Give me the pink stuff and poke me in the eye

My last year in college I worked in the horse unit a lot of things died and each one was terrible and heart breaking and ultimately changed the coarse of my career path. In order to cope we did what any college kid does: we drank, we banded together and we made jokes.

Give me the pink stuff and poke me in the eye is one of those jokes. It refers to euthanizing a horse and we used it when things were hard (like studying for finals) or when we were sick (the cucamonga or hungover). 

I get sinus infections. They come and go about every 3 or 4 months, they resolve and I run along until the next one. But for the second time in my life I have the sinus infection that won't stop. I don't think I've felt 100% since probably may and that is incredibly wearing. 

It also is really affecting my relationships with people. For me sinus infections go something like this. One day I decide everything is hard, all I want to do is sleep, everyone hates me and everything I do is wrong. I can get absolutely nothing accomplished. About a week later I realize this isn't depression this is a sinus infection. Get drugs. Start to feel better return to productivity and life resumes. But this time it won't stop and I have sunk into this hole that I can't get out of. I suppose that this is where it would be nice to have a significant other or some family nearby to say stop sitting in your hole and make a fuss at the doctor until they cure you. But this is what sinus infections do. They make you feel a low level of bad, not so bad you think I'm sick, just kind of sad. This is the depressed they talk about when they tell you the symptoms of sick animals. On top of that you're almost functional so no one has any reason to ask if you need help around the house or soup. But you feel bad so you start retreating. You're tired, getting anything done except sitting in the couch is hard like tearfully hard. And scary because it's not hard usually and you don't know why suddenly everything is hard. 

It's confusing too because sometimes you have good days. You go out you run 5ks, you ride your horse,  and then even if you felt fantastic in the morning it feels like you got hit by a bus. I've seen this analogy of having so many spoons to explain chronic diseases. And that is exactly what this feels like. Except I never know how many spoons I'm going to get or when they might run out. 

It just feels never ending. Like I'll just feel low level bad forever and there's no way out. And sometimes I just succumb to it. Like I'll just lay here and quietly die of a sinus infection. Not because I don't have anything to live for but because it's easier than continuing to repeat this endless cycle. And then after waiting too long I'll decide to fight this thing and it's an uphill battle because I gave up for do long and accepted this as life. I wonder how much in life I'll miss because of this and how I'll make it as an independent when at least 3 months out of the year I just kind of lay down and die a little. There is so much I want to accomplish and I just don't know when another sinus infection is going to snatch the life out of me. It feels like there is just no cure. More antibiotics, more prednisone, more mucinex. Drugs that make me feel just as bad as the sickness. 

And that is why today is a give me the pink stuff and poke me in the eye kind of day.