Ghetto Cowboy

We used to cruise in high school. I think it's like a rite of passage. You're suddenly free from your parents dropping you off and tired of the same kids you grew up with. We used to cruise SAnta Rosa Ave and in Healdsburg too. Either in Charis's mustang or Laura's big truck. Sara and I drove a Ford Taurus station wagon. Hardly something worth cruising (smooth move mom and dad). I wonder if people still cruise or if gas prices make that cost prohibitive. Anyhow, we used to listen to this song. And for some reason as I was plugging along on herd records tonight it came into my head and I had to look it up. It's really goofy. Bone Thugs must have been high when they came up with it.


I still know all the words.

Conveniently You Tube had this song alongside Ghetto Cowboy. Another senior year favorite. We used to hang out at the Taco Bell in Sebastopol with Goose. Sara and I had boyfriends who worked there. I remember sitting on my car just blasting this waiting for them. It was Lucy's CD. I'm not sure if I have her copy of it or if I somehow got my own. We were in no way ballers.


I love this song. Reminds of Goose and the high spot and low spot.

Fascinating facts

Did you know we waste 40% of food produced? 40%! 

Things that are important to me

Will probably someday be a much longer post. But for today. Flourish in Progress is important to me. This girl is real and inspiring. Painfully honest and funny as hell. Read it. Love it.

http://www.flourishinprogress.com/

The Friendship Flannel

Once upon a time many years ago I got a flat tire in the rain in the parking lot of the pool hall we hung out in. My sister's boyfriend and his best friend were with my sister and I and they fixed it. Being 19 I was in no way dressed for the weather, so Best Friend gave me his flannel. He and I had tried to date. It would have been perfect since we were all always together anyways but it just didn't work (maybe because he was 26 and I was 18). He may have been drinking (heavily) and when I tried to return the flannel he said no that's the friendship flannel. It might not work out between us but you'll always have that. And I still do. I took it to college and every time I move. I wear it when I'm sick and when I feel bad. If I think about it I can still remember what it smelled like when he gave it to me. It's too big it doesn't fit. But it reminds of the good times before things were complicated. Of hanging out in pool halls and Kodiak Jacks. Of slow dances that felt like they'd mean something forever. And through all the bad guys, that there are good guys. Guys who give you friendship flannels. We've made some jokes about the friendship flannel through the years. We made a lot of jokes about the friendship flannel when it happened. But I carry it with me.

"Pieces of my heart. Pieces of my soul. Pieces that I'm gonna be I don't even know. I gave a lot to lovers.Gave a lot to friends. Everything I took from them. Made me who I am
Pieces 
"Memories may find me, but they'll always be behind me. I'll take today over yesterday any day"
Another bit of Gary Allan wisdom. There may need to be a top 10 Gary Allan songs....

Give me the pink stuff and poke me in the eye

My last year in college I worked in the horse unit a lot of things died and each one was terrible and heart breaking and ultimately changed the coarse of my career path. In order to cope we did what any college kid does: we drank, we banded together and we made jokes.

Give me the pink stuff and poke me in the eye is one of those jokes. It refers to euthanizing a horse and we used it when things were hard (like studying for finals) or when we were sick (the cucamonga or hungover). 

I get sinus infections. They come and go about every 3 or 4 months, they resolve and I run along until the next one. But for the second time in my life I have the sinus infection that won't stop. I don't think I've felt 100% since probably may and that is incredibly wearing. 

It also is really affecting my relationships with people. For me sinus infections go something like this. One day I decide everything is hard, all I want to do is sleep, everyone hates me and everything I do is wrong. I can get absolutely nothing accomplished. About a week later I realize this isn't depression this is a sinus infection. Get drugs. Start to feel better return to productivity and life resumes. But this time it won't stop and I have sunk into this hole that I can't get out of. I suppose that this is where it would be nice to have a significant other or some family nearby to say stop sitting in your hole and make a fuss at the doctor until they cure you. But this is what sinus infections do. They make you feel a low level of bad, not so bad you think I'm sick, just kind of sad. This is the depressed they talk about when they tell you the symptoms of sick animals. On top of that you're almost functional so no one has any reason to ask if you need help around the house or soup. But you feel bad so you start retreating. You're tired, getting anything done except sitting in the couch is hard like tearfully hard. And scary because it's not hard usually and you don't know why suddenly everything is hard. 

It's confusing too because sometimes you have good days. You go out you run 5ks, you ride your horse,  and then even if you felt fantastic in the morning it feels like you got hit by a bus. I've seen this analogy of having so many spoons to explain chronic diseases. And that is exactly what this feels like. Except I never know how many spoons I'm going to get or when they might run out. 

It just feels never ending. Like I'll just feel low level bad forever and there's no way out. And sometimes I just succumb to it. Like I'll just lay here and quietly die of a sinus infection. Not because I don't have anything to live for but because it's easier than continuing to repeat this endless cycle. And then after waiting too long I'll decide to fight this thing and it's an uphill battle because I gave up for do long and accepted this as life. I wonder how much in life I'll miss because of this and how I'll make it as an independent when at least 3 months out of the year I just kind of lay down and die a little. There is so much I want to accomplish and I just don't know when another sinus infection is going to snatch the life out of me. It feels like there is just no cure. More antibiotics, more prednisone, more mucinex. Drugs that make me feel just as bad as the sickness. 

And that is why today is a give me the pink stuff and poke me in the eye kind of day. 

Answers

Sometimes I don't know the answers I'm looking for. I'm trying to accept that that's ok. Today can just be today. Everything doesn't have to be part of some big plan for the future.

2014 Challenges

Next year I'd like to continue with the 30 day challenges. I'm thinking I'll have 3 categories: financial, health, growth. I'll have 30 day no shopping challenges, 30 days of burpees, no drinks with calories, 30 days to take quilting, riding, uke lessons and try to change my habits for the better. 

Confessions of a horse girl

When I worked in Madera I wanted to write a book called there are spurs in my purse and other stories of being a working horse girl. Being a horse person is weird it makes you do weird things. There are needles from my thesis project in my car cup holders and constantly in my laundry. There's Banamine in my purse and the clip that locks the back of my trailer in with my makeup. I have put my spurs in my purse as I tried to slip late into work after trying to fit in a ride at 6 am. Here's a collection of horse stuff spread throughout my non horse stuff 

Learn Something New Every Day

I was listening to this Ted talk:

And I was reminded that I want to read this book:


My boss says you should read something every day to make yourself a better nutritionist. And I've heard that if you spend an hour everyday reading something about your subject of choice in 5 years you'll be an expert. But I'm not sure I want to be the expert of anything. I just want to have a god repertoire for awkward pauses in conversation. I'm reading a book called why zebras don't get ulcers. I like to work into conversation whenever possible....

High Fidelity and Stuff

I love the movie High Fidelity for a lot of reasons. But partially because they're constantly making lists. So today is my top 10 list of songs. This is today's list and subject to change also in no particular order.

1. In my Life The Beatles. Because it is one of those songs that touches you and we all have places we'll remember all our lives.


2.Like A Prayer for the Cal Poly days and countless memories since.

3. Let My love Open the Door. The dan in real life version, Pete Townsend's version, Cory Morrows version I just love it. I play it on my ukuele. *The Dan In Real Life version is one of my favorites....

4. Name Goo Goo Dolls "Scars are souvenirs we never lose. The past is never far." "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are"

5.Goddamn Lonely Love Jason Isbell No song has ever moved me live the way this one does. I will follow Isbell to the end of the earth to hear this song live every chance I get.

6. Ho Hey The Lumineers - If I ever get married I'll walk down the asle to you belong to me I belong to you you're my sweetheart.

  7.Someone Like You Adele How can you not love this song? This first time I heard it was in the Starbucks across the street from Fresno State and I just froze and then I went and sat in my car and cried.
 

8 Van Morrison Brown Eyed Girl Brown Eyed Girl is a song you must dance to whether your with your roommate walking home from the grocery store and you have to dance in front of Trader Joe's or with your favorite boy next door.

9. Everything Changes Stain'd
 

10.Nights Like These Lucero I love Lucero they're rough around the edges and we've all had nights like these.

 

Memories and Mucinex

Sometimes at the most random moments I am struck with some barely significant memory that is so clear it hurts. Tonight I walked into the post office and this image of hanging out with Sar, Dustin, and John in the post office in Sebastopol came hurtling at me. We were on a double date and I think we'd been asked to leave Round Table with no where to go in the pouring rain we went to the post office. These moments are bittersweet, first boyfriend innocence, the things you did when you were young. You don't get those times back. Hanging out in a post office will never happen again and if it did I'd probably never go out with that guy again.And it was so simple and we were together and it felt invincible. In unrelated news, I'm taking mucinex for my sinuses. Last time I took it I tried to drop out of life so if I get wonky someone needs to tell me to get off the drugs.

Be happy. Be grateful.

TEd talks are my favorite: "The days I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations. Well, I have really good days." - Ray Wylie Hubbard

The most ridiculous thing I own.

There is a Nine West box in my closet that holds the most ridiculous thing I own. When life gets tough and I'm uncertain I seem to like to try to reinvent myself with shoes. Not only am I not the type to wear heels I just shouldn't. But regardless of my comfort with that in every day life when things get uncomfortable I buy shoes I'll never wear. Maybe in hopes that by owning those shoes I'll be the sort of super put together person who wears those shoes. This is not the case. When things got uncomfortable in Madera and I moved from salary to hourly I kind of justified the outrage of the situation with shoe purchases. That's where the Nine West box comes in. It contains 4 in leopard print pony hair peep toes. It's been two years. I've never worn them. I've never even had a moment where I though hey maybe I could and then didn't. Those shoes belong in Vegas. I do not. But I keep them. I take them out I put them on. I remember I am ridiculous and need to work on my coping skills and put them away.

Up next my obsession with eBay or perhaps some wise words about how I think you should learn something every day. We'll see

The Bookstore

Yesterday my mom asked if I would go to the bookstore and pick up something for my dad for Christmas. I kind of wanted a new book anyways since I have the same 4 I've been failing to read all year still unread next to my bed. Clearly I need a new book. The bookstore is like home to me. Even great big Barnes and Noble or maybe even more so Barnes and Noble. I remember going into Borders with my dad and him just turning turning us kids loose. As a family we could spend hours there searching for books. Walking into Barnes and Noble yesterday I just felt this sense of peace. I looked at all the people in the coffee shop and thought I just want to read a book here I miss books. So for the next 30 days I also want to get back to reading. Instead of sitting like a potato in front to the couch I want to put myself to bed with enough time to read. Which is good because in addition to my dad's book I got hyperbole and half's book (If you have not experienced hyperbole and a half you must go here immediately: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html), Mindy Khaling's book (Is Everyone hanging out without me? (and other concerns) (it seemed fitting), and The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lack. I'm excited.

The Decision

 I love Grey's anatomy and Sex in the City with the constant internal monologue. I talk to myself a lot. I just wish my internal monologue was as witty and wise. I've decided to take up blogging since I've decided I need to spend some time without Facebook. I've been down and feel left out and lonely and uncertain. Facebook is not the place for that. Not for posting about feeling like that or trying to feel better about yourself. So for the next 30 days I'm taking a break from comparing myself to others. I'm going to take care of myself, have real conversations and live in the real world, not in the small world streaming inside my phone. From the time I was 10 until I was in high school I always kept a journal. It was good for me only when I started making decisions I didn't want to relive did I stop writing to myself. We'll see what happens here.