Growing pains

It has taken me a life time to become unforgiving. It has taken a lot of growth to say you can't treat me that way. It has taken me a lot of beatings to learn that I can't change people. That it's not my job to save people and to know that I shouldn't have to. I deserve better.

 

 

May you stay Forever Young

My dad raised me to be tough, to never let them see you cry and to never expect anything from anyone. But retired dad is a different dad. He's getting softer by the day. He sent me this new years eve. Bob Dylan wrote it for his kids. Sentimental Dad gets me everytime.

Ghetto Cowboy

We used to cruise in high school. I think it's like a rite of passage. You're suddenly free from your parents dropping you off and tired of the same kids you grew up with. We used to cruise SAnta Rosa Ave and in Healdsburg too. Either in Charis's mustang or Laura's big truck. Sara and I drove a Ford Taurus station wagon. Hardly something worth cruising (smooth move mom and dad). I wonder if people still cruise or if gas prices make that cost prohibitive. Anyhow, we used to listen to this song. And for some reason as I was plugging along on herd records tonight it came into my head and I had to look it up. It's really goofy. Bone Thugs must have been high when they came up with it.


I still know all the words.

Conveniently You Tube had this song alongside Ghetto Cowboy. Another senior year favorite. We used to hang out at the Taco Bell in Sebastopol with Goose. Sara and I had boyfriends who worked there. I remember sitting on my car just blasting this waiting for them. It was Lucy's CD. I'm not sure if I have her copy of it or if I somehow got my own. We were in no way ballers.


I love this song. Reminds of Goose and the high spot and low spot.

Fascinating facts

Did you know we waste 40% of food produced? 40%! 

Things that are important to me

Will probably someday be a much longer post. But for today. Flourish in Progress is important to me. This girl is real and inspiring. Painfully honest and funny as hell. Read it. Love it.

http://www.flourishinprogress.com/

The Friendship Flannel

Once upon a time many years ago I got a flat tire in the rain in the parking lot of the pool hall we hung out in. My sister's boyfriend and his best friend were with my sister and I and they fixed it. Being 19 I was in no way dressed for the weather, so Best Friend gave me his flannel. He and I had tried to date. It would have been perfect since we were all always together anyways but it just didn't work (maybe because he was 26 and I was 18). He may have been drinking (heavily) and when I tried to return the flannel he said no that's the friendship flannel. It might not work out between us but you'll always have that. And I still do. I took it to college and every time I move. I wear it when I'm sick and when I feel bad. If I think about it I can still remember what it smelled like when he gave it to me. It's too big it doesn't fit. But it reminds of the good times before things were complicated. Of hanging out in pool halls and Kodiak Jacks. Of slow dances that felt like they'd mean something forever. And through all the bad guys, that there are good guys. Guys who give you friendship flannels. We've made some jokes about the friendship flannel through the years. We made a lot of jokes about the friendship flannel when it happened. But I carry it with me.

"Pieces of my heart. Pieces of my soul. Pieces that I'm gonna be I don't even know. I gave a lot to lovers.Gave a lot to friends. Everything I took from them. Made me who I am
Pieces 
"Memories may find me, but they'll always be behind me. I'll take today over yesterday any day"
Another bit of Gary Allan wisdom. There may need to be a top 10 Gary Allan songs....

Give me the pink stuff and poke me in the eye

My last year in college I worked in the horse unit a lot of things died and each one was terrible and heart breaking and ultimately changed the coarse of my career path. In order to cope we did what any college kid does: we drank, we banded together and we made jokes.

Give me the pink stuff and poke me in the eye is one of those jokes. It refers to euthanizing a horse and we used it when things were hard (like studying for finals) or when we were sick (the cucamonga or hungover). 

I get sinus infections. They come and go about every 3 or 4 months, they resolve and I run along until the next one. But for the second time in my life I have the sinus infection that won't stop. I don't think I've felt 100% since probably may and that is incredibly wearing. 

It also is really affecting my relationships with people. For me sinus infections go something like this. One day I decide everything is hard, all I want to do is sleep, everyone hates me and everything I do is wrong. I can get absolutely nothing accomplished. About a week later I realize this isn't depression this is a sinus infection. Get drugs. Start to feel better return to productivity and life resumes. But this time it won't stop and I have sunk into this hole that I can't get out of. I suppose that this is where it would be nice to have a significant other or some family nearby to say stop sitting in your hole and make a fuss at the doctor until they cure you. But this is what sinus infections do. They make you feel a low level of bad, not so bad you think I'm sick, just kind of sad. This is the depressed they talk about when they tell you the symptoms of sick animals. On top of that you're almost functional so no one has any reason to ask if you need help around the house or soup. But you feel bad so you start retreating. You're tired, getting anything done except sitting in the couch is hard like tearfully hard. And scary because it's not hard usually and you don't know why suddenly everything is hard. 

It's confusing too because sometimes you have good days. You go out you run 5ks, you ride your horse,  and then even if you felt fantastic in the morning it feels like you got hit by a bus. I've seen this analogy of having so many spoons to explain chronic diseases. And that is exactly what this feels like. Except I never know how many spoons I'm going to get or when they might run out. 

It just feels never ending. Like I'll just feel low level bad forever and there's no way out. And sometimes I just succumb to it. Like I'll just lay here and quietly die of a sinus infection. Not because I don't have anything to live for but because it's easier than continuing to repeat this endless cycle. And then after waiting too long I'll decide to fight this thing and it's an uphill battle because I gave up for do long and accepted this as life. I wonder how much in life I'll miss because of this and how I'll make it as an independent when at least 3 months out of the year I just kind of lay down and die a little. There is so much I want to accomplish and I just don't know when another sinus infection is going to snatch the life out of me. It feels like there is just no cure. More antibiotics, more prednisone, more mucinex. Drugs that make me feel just as bad as the sickness. 

And that is why today is a give me the pink stuff and poke me in the eye kind of day.